A Lesson In Larceny (Placeholder)

(A little more setup needed) That's right. In 1976, I was a car salesman for about four months. I was newly-graduated, newly-married and jobs for wet-behind-the-ears copywriters were not plentiful in the South, where I wanted to live. I worked at Starr Lincoln-Mercury in Birmingham. I got the job by responding to a want ad in the newspaper.

I sold Town Cars, Mark Vs and one of the crappiest, most absurd cars ever created, the Lincoln Versailles, which, in case you dont know, was a Ford Granada tarted up with a flashy, two-tone paint job, a noble, Lincoln grill up front and a faux Continental spare tire hump on the trunk, leather (or velour!) upholstery and a 351 cu. in. V8 engine. It was a compact luxury car that was slapped together from spare parts to compete with the newly-launched Cadillac Seville.

My first business card from my first Real Job

I was hired along with half a dozen other young studs and, before we were allowed anywhere near a customer, we spent two weeks in formalized training under a system called C.O.N.T.R.O.L. I dont recall what the acronym stood for, but I learned more about marketing in those two weeks than in the next decade. It was fabulous! One of the first lessons in C.O.N.T.R.O.L. was asking a customer the right, first questions. Usually the first question was Do you plan to buy or lease your new car? If a customer came in looking for a Versailles the first question was Are you sure?

I was a good salesman. Not the best in the place, but totally solid. And I enjoyed it. I liked the product and I liked that people went home excited about their new cars (and if they went away and bought, say, a Cadillac, I learned how to call them a few days later and, as the C.O.N.T.R.O.L. protocol demanded, induce buyers remorse).

One day, I got caught up in the moment and sold a guy a Versailles that was nothing like the car he came in to buy. Id lied to the guy when he called and asked if we had a car in stock that fit his very specific set of specs. Per C.O.N.T.R.O.L. protocol, I told him that we had a car very much like that (we didnt) and, when he arrived at the dealership, per C.O.N.T.R.O.L. protocol, I told him that car was apparently out for a test drive. I offered to take him for a test drive in another car and, if he liked it, we could look at his car when we got back.

While we were out driving, I (per protocol) dismantled his rationale for the other car. He wanted velour upholstery, so I explained why the leather upholstery in the car we were driving might actually suit his needs (grandchildren) better. Quad sound system? Nah, that was a passing fad (it was). Navy Blue? It gets hot in Alabama. A silver car (like the one we were driving) is cooler. When we got back to the dealership, unfortunately (per protocol) the car hed come in to see had been sold.

Damn.

So I wrote up the car we had driven and, to boot, piled on a few thousand dollars worth of extras, all at his request. He was convinced that a power antenna would deliver better radio reception. Thats nonsense, of course, but who was I to argue with a customer? Add that on, plus labor to install it. He went away really happy. When I took the paperwork to Frank, the sales manager, he laughed and said, Well, you really fucked that guy. You've learned a little larceny in the last couple of months."

"Well, you really fucked that guy. You've learned a little larceny in the last couple of months.

Frank Legacki, my boss

The customer picked up the car the next afternoon and, once he left, I went to Frank and resigned. I went to work selling ad space for a new magazine called Alabama Today. A few months after that I get my first, real copywriter job.

Where I could lie to people without having to look them in the eyes.